Westward Independent

The Real Deal: Celebrating Women and Their Journey Through Motherhood

by Westward Independent
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What they don’t tell you.

When you become a Mother, your heart breaks.

It becomes fragments.

These fragments begin to walk around outside your body.

These fragments are not careful. Not even a little.

They are reckless. Dangerous.

They wear casts, they are stitched back together, they bruise and they bleed.

They are unaware of their fragility.

In your anxious hyper-protective state you will offer everything you have, everything you don’t, everything you are, everything you’re not, to the forces that be, to try to secure their safety. Their fate.

You want to believe you can. Desperately.

No matter how intelligent you are, how successful in life, how wealthy, how healthy, how soulfully you want it and how much you pray, you will fail at this. Repeatedly.

You will cry.

You will have crippling anxiety.

You will have joy.

You will be proud.

You will be a hero, their greatest love. They will smother you and you’ll feel touched out and resentful and guilty at feeling annoyed. Why can’t you have one moment? ALONE. 

People will tell you that you’ll miss this stage.

You’ll want to punch them in the face. 

Yet you cannot conceive that these chubby legs will grow long, and this soft sweet-smelling head will ever be anywhere other than your chest.

Buckle in.

You will be dumb, annoying, and irrelevant. They will bore at the sound of your droning voice, embarrassed to be witnessed in your company, they will yell, roll their eyes, shut you down, tune you out.

These heart fragments run wild, going too fast, egocentric, breaking free from your bubble of safety and sawing away at your emotional umbilical cord.

They are smart. They are naive. They are just getting warmed up.

And the people you wanted to punch in the face? 

They were right.

You do miss “that”.

You will wonder what forces of nature snatched up your baby and gave you this moody and defiant changling. 

They flash a grin at you. With relief, you can see. They’re still in there. 

You will be confused. You will be hurt. You will cry. You will be mentally exhausted. You will learn. You will grow. You will be stronger than you ever knew you could be.

Then you will be smart again.  You will be a source of advice, a moment of calm, you will watch those fragments become adult humans, with lives and dreams.

When they fall, they will rise. 

They remember what you said.

They remember what you did.

You may one day witness the miraculous fragmentation of their own hearts.

You will be joyful.

You will be grateful.

You will forever be concerned.

You will always pray.

And through it all.

From their first breath, until your last.

You’d fight a bear for them. 

You’d walk on fire. 

You’d offer yourself. 

You’d insist.

On your worst days, when it’s impossible and destructive and you feel unworthy and unprepared.

Even then. You’d fight that bear forever. 

( Author – Shauna Bossert )

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